I can do it myself! I stubbornly stated at 2 years old. We were climbing Bears Hump, a small mountain in nearby Waterton. My parents wanted to carry me, but I was determined I was going to climb that mountain all by myself. As far as the story goes, I climbed up the entire mountain all by myself.
I used to look back at the story with pride, showing my independence and determination, but now, as a therapist, I see it differently. I now see the trauma that caused the independence. Born as the fourth child to a busy mom who had four girls in four years, there was no time for me. I learned at a very young age that it was easier to do things myself then to experience the disappointment of depending on someone who wasn’t able to be there for me.
This fierce independence caused me to succeed in a lot of ways, especially the ones that didn’t require me to be emotional. I could climb any mountain, cross any ocean, hitchhike across Canada, travel Europe, compete in Jui Jitsu, gain degree’s in school, and I could do it all by myself! That fierce independence pushed me so far.
But, it could only push me so far. There was a hidden cost. And that cost was actually really high. The cost meant I had to shut down parts of myself. I had to shut down a lot of my feelings and emotions. I had to shut down my needs and my awareness of myself.
This fierce independence also somehow pushed people away, especially men. When it came to men, I was a dismal failure. I couldn’t find someone who wanted to be with me, that I also wanted to be with. I guess if I could do it myself, no man felt like they needed to be a part of my story with me. The first time I dated I was 27; and the guy I dated was emotionally unavailable; which brings me to a story from about 7 years ago.
I was driving my motorcycle. Probably a little too fast. I was upset; frustrated, confused. Dating was not working for me! I had recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. (This was the emotionally unavailable one) It had been an abusive relationship, but I wasn’t able to acknowledge that at the time. He had been harassing me. Wouldn’t take the “no” I was giving him and was stalking me. I was frustrated, but also a little scared. I didn’t know what he was capable of.
I had been in the Crowsnest Pass where I knew he wouldn’t be able to track me down; he was incessantly messaging me, asking for my location. I was refusing to give it to him, but also struggling with setting boundaries with him. He was persistent and I didn’t know how to say “no”.
I left the pass and was on my way home, but didn’t want to go back to my house for fear he would be waiting there for me. I suddenly realized I was driving past my aunts house and decided to stop in; just to see if she was home. It wouldn’t be likely, but there was a chance. This was an aunt I had always appreciated, but wasn’t that close with. We had had a conversation about a month before that had got me thinking; and was probably the reason I chose to stop by her house at this point.
She just happened to be home alone; which she said never happens. She welcomed me in, got me a cup of warm tea, and just sat and talked with me. I shared with her everything that was going on with my relationship, how I broke up several months ago, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer; how as it usually goes in abusive relationships, even though I broke up, I still wanted to be with him. She listened, she validated and she supported. When we were done, she told me I had to come again, and that started a close relationship.
My aunt helped me to get back in touch with my emotions. She taught me and showed me that I really can’t do it all myself. I started to realize that my independence is what kept pushing people out of my life; this is what made me so lonely that I was willing to put up with an abusive relationship. My aunt didn’t necessarily have anything specifically profound to say, but what she had to offer was the emotional support that I needed. The emotional support that I had been too scared to allow anyone to give to me. From my aunt, I learned how to value myself. Not because she taught me how to value myself, but because she valued me. Now, I’m not saying other people didn’t give me that love, I just wasn’t able to receive it because I was so determined that I could do it myself.
She tangibly gave me unconditional love. As I learned, through her, to value myself, I slowly learned how to set up proper boundaries. Over time I realized that boundaries are not so much something that happens externally as they are something that happens internally. When I learned to value myself and to see myself the way that my aunt saw me, that is when I started to be offended if people didn’t treat me with respect. I actually started to get in touch with my anger. I always thought anger was a bad thing, but I learned that anger is actually there to protect me. Without anger I can’t set healthy boundaries. Doesn’t mean those boundaries need to be expressed with rage or anger, but I need that anger to push myself past the fear of what others will do or say if I set a boundary.
My aunt walked with me through that breakup. She helped me stay strong and say no, even when a year later, he was still persistent in wanting to be with me. She showed me that I was worth more than that. I look back to that 2 year old little girl with compassion. I can do it myself meant, I don’t believe anyone is there to help me, and I am thankful for the presence of not just my aunt but many many mentors in my life who have taught me that I don’t have to do it myself; that I can trust others to be there for me.