I saw it as a really helpful tool that helped me get through some tough times in my life. So while I appreciated that “I love you” part, I was really curious about the voice underneath of it. I was curious about that “I hate you”.

I tried my best to make space for it. After each session that it came up, I would try to just allow it to be. There were times when I was so filled with self-hatred and anger that I had to distract myself with something else. This part kept coming up though. I asked it all sorts of questions, like Why is it here? What does it hate me for? What did I do in the session that triggered it? My intellect was really good at coming up with all sorts of answers. Maybe it is because I talked too much in session and when I talked too much as a child my mom would shame me. Maybe it is because I didn’t answer a clients question well.

As I continued to feel into it, I started to realize that it came out mostly after sessions where I felt like I didn’t do “enough” for the client. I realized that this part of me wanted me to be the “perfect” therapist who knew exactly what my clients needed right when they needed it. If I was anything less than perfect, this part of me would “punish” me with extreme self-hatred.

Thankfully I have been in a place in my life where I am not dealing with anything else right now and I was able to continuously make space for this self-hatred part of him. I still didn’t know what to do with it. I know the “I love you” was just an attempt for me not to feel the self-hatred, and while it temporarily helped me avoid the feeling, I knew it wasn’t the solution.

I knew I couldn’t convince this part not to feel the way that it feels, so I tried to just sit with it, to give it space, to allow it to be. This wasn’t always easy, and I definitely wasn’t always good at it. But one day something shifted. I started to feel this realization that it is ok for me not to be the “perfect” therapist.

It wasn’t a huge epiphany yelling at me as an avalanche cascading down the mountains, it was a quiet still assurance. It didn’t come from my intellect or my logic. It was a voice that came from my heart, and it was giving me permission not to be perfect, that I would still be accepted and loved even if I wasn’t a good therapist. It was almost like my heart was giving me permission to just be myself.

This felt so profound to me, but even now I have a hard time putting it into words. There was a huge shift in this little voice that always said “I hate you”; there was a shift in the self-hatred itself. It suddenly felt accepted and like it had space and therefore it didn’t need to communicate so loudly to me.

Sometimes we try to tell ourselves over and over that we don’t have to be perfect, that it is ok if we make mistakes, that we just need to be ourselves, but sometimes no matter how many times we say it to ourselves, that part of us just doesn’t believe it. It is when we make the space for the self-hatred, when we no longer feel like we have to shut it out, when we can be ok sitting with it, then slowly that gives space for our heart to speak.

Our logic can’t heal us. I believe it is a vital conductor to bring us to the heart, but it is only the heart that can heal us. I didn’t know what would happen with the self-hatred as I made space for it, but I didn’t need to know. I was able to trust that with space and time, it would find its way to its own healing; it would find its way to my heart.

I strongly believe that the path to healing isn’t to get rid of something, the path to healing is learning how to welcome it in. Healing from self-hatred isn’t about getting rid of the self-hatred; its about being ok with the self-hatred when it is there, and allowing the heart to do the healing and transformation. This self-hatred still comes up at times, but all I do is allow it to be there. I am ok with it being there because I know that it doesn’t have the power to define my self-worth. I allow it to be there because I know that it is an essential part of my system, because as it finds its rightful place, it allows me to gently land into humility; knowing that I am not enough, but that is ok.